One Day, It Will Be the Last Time: A Mother’s Quiet Realisation
More than 4 years ago, I became a mother to one of the cutest children in the world. Everything seemed to be falling into place, everything seemed complete. My days were spent thanking God, and nights were spent moving from one corner to another with my laddu in my lap because he always slept like this only.
Always.
Slowly, he started remaining awake in the daytime too! My days were spent doing routine chores, singing lori, taking him to the park, pleading with him to eat, pampering him, but my nights were still spent moving with him on my shoulders.
We slowly made it a routine (as I was on sabbatical at that time, I was with him the whole day). I started feeding him at 8 to 8:30 pm, before the arrival of his dad, and started walking with him in my lap. His dad used to come, have his dinner, and then relieve me. He would walk with him on his shoulders till I had my dinner, and then we both did it turn by turn. It was a task of about 2–3 hours. If we let him be awake, as many people suggested then, he would become irritated, cranky, and wouldn’t allow us to put him on the bed.
The Night Everything Changed
One fine day, I fed him, took him to the room, switched on the AC, patted his back, he was asleep on my shoulders till then.
My God!!! This early?? No moving, no walking, no constant singing, no turn-by-turn strolls. He fell asleep just like that. I, being an ever-nervous mummy, thought he might not be feeling well. I was worried the whole night. But everything was okay.
Last Night I Didn’t Know Was the Last
Before He Outgrows My Arms
The next day, again, he slept just like this. Now we no longer needed to walk with him on our shoulders.
“I DID NOT know that I was doing it for the last time.”
And I was like: when I put him into bed after 2 hours of singing and walking the day before yesterday, I DID NOT know that I was doing it for the last time. That it wouldn’t be required from tomorrow. I immediately started feeling choked. I immediately felt he had gone a bit far from me…
The Last Times We Never Notice
My kid is 4 now. He still sits in my lap as the first thing in the morning after waking up. One day, he will stop doing that, and the saddest part is I won’t know that today is the last time of that ritual.
One day, like all the time, he will kiss me on my cheeks, and I won’t know that this is the last time he is doing it for he will be too grown up for this after that.
One day, like always, he will throw a tantrum for some costly useless toy in a big mall. I will give him stern glances and won’t know that this is his last such childhood tantrum. For he will become “sensible” after that.
One day, when I reach home after office, like daily he will run to me and I will immediately lift him, embrace him absolutely not knowing that this is my last embrace. He will be too big to come into my lap afterwards.
One day his childhood will be gone. Life will take its toll on him.
One day he will grow up, and I won’t be able to decide how I should express my sentiments to him.
Hence, I have promised myself that:
I will adore my kid.
I will express my love in the most vocal ways.
I will enjoy this journey and make the most of it.
I won’t fall into the trap of “tough parenting.” The whole world is tough and cruel. I need to BE THE WORLD for my child, not LIKE THE WORLD for him.
“I love you, but…” is the ugliest sentence.
“But I love you…” is the most beautiful one.
Maybe motherhood is not about holding on forever, but about loving deeply in every passing moment. Because the truth is, the ‘last times’ don’t announce themselves. They simply slip by quietly. And all we can do is be present enough today, so tomorrow we don’t feel we missed them.
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